The Pine
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
AP Headline of the Day
"Robot Dogs Get Social Conscience Installed"
I can see it now: Robot Dogs Boycott Sweatshops ... Robot Dogs Protest for Right to Vote ... Robot Dogs Vote Nader, Clinching Second Term for Bush
Thursday, February 05, 2004
If You're Old Enough to Vote, You're Old Enough to Rush the Passer
In the day's best news for teenagers with thyroid problems, a judge has ruled that the NFL can’t keep former Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett from entering the league’s draft in April. Pending more lawsuits, that is. (Viva America!)
Clarett is 20, and unlike the other major sports, the NFL has a particular interest in keeping physically underdeveloped players from getting in the way of the synthetic tanks that now play the game.
I used to wish all the pro leagues would adopt mandatory age limits so that sports like college basketball could regain some of their vibrancy. But what's more corrupt and harder to romanticize than major college athletics? I don't think the ruling in Clarett's case can be cheered or booed without knowing its long-term effects, but it seems unlikely that NFL teams would draft scrawny kids just because they can. A 16-year-old can have a nasty crossover dribble, but without some seriously freaky DNA, not many teens are going to be able to budge Warren Sapp.
In the meantime, we have this disturbing aspect of the story, courtesy of the New York Times:
“ ‘While, ordinarily, the best offense is a good defense, none of these defenses hold the line,’ Judge Scheindlin wrote in a 70-page decision sprinkled with punning, football lingo.”
Groan. Judge Scheindlin will be presiding all week, people. Enjoy the veal…
http://www.nytimes.com/2004/02/05/sports/football/05CND-CLAR.html?hp
Kicked to the curb
Sucks to be a kicker, eh?
Adam Vinatieri (I hope I'm spelling that right, but don't have any way to check, since his name is so rarely used) kicks his second Super Bowl-winning field goal in three years. Incredible stuff. And I’m sure he understands, like we all do, that Tom Brady is the MVP again for his lion’s share of the work in victory. That’s fine. Still, Adam’s got to smart just a bit to see Brady galloping across the cover of this week’s Sports Illustrated, above the words: “The Hero (Again).”
Well, that’s OK, because surely the story inside will balance things a bit, yes? Give a nod to the man who under extraordinary pressure came through (“again”)? Not really. The story inside gets to paragraph six (and they’re decent-sized paragraphs) before even mentioning Vinatieri. And even then -– a full sentence after the first Janet Jackson joke! –- the reference is only made to point out how Brady was the real star of the game.
This is what one gets for winning two Super Bowls in three years. Can you think of a more thankless job than kicker? If so, e-mail it to RidingPine@hotmail.com, a special account set up for my four readers, who also have my regular e-mail account.
AP Headline of the Day
Actually dealing with sports this time:
"Nets Sign Hubert Davis to 10 - Day Contract"
Now, I'm a loyal Tarheel fan, and I love Hubert, but isn't even 10 days a lot? It strikes me as a kind of dog-year calculation; the equivalent of signing Gary Payton to a 350-year contract.
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
Quality control update
What follows is the first of the Tuesday/Thursday updates, and it's being posted hastily to satisfy RTP's rabid fan base. (One hundred restraining orders and counting...) So please forgive any leniency given to the writer (me) by the editor (me) while I get my legs back.
AP Headline of the Day (Monday)
"Groundhog Booed As He Sees His Shadow"
Not surprising, since this was in Pennsylvania, and presumably some Eagles fans were in attendance.
Abstraction wins Super Bowl
Friend to Riding the Pine JS was rooting against the Patriots this past Sunday because she doesn't like teams named for abstractions. But while patriotism is something of an abstraction, I believe Patriots are less so. They are, at least, plural, unlike the NBA's Heat, Jazz, and Magic (now that's an abstraction). Perhaps two Super Bowl victories in three years should prompt a name change: The New England Patriotism.
Delhomme, though, is all too real
I have to admit that when Jake Delhomme started Sunday 1-for-9 with 1 passing yard (how about the Carolina Passing Yard as a team name?), I was rooting for an all-time horrible performance. He shut me up, though, finishing very strongly against the league's best defense.
I still don't like him. Friend to Riding the Pine JF is sick of hearing it, but there's something immensely bratty about Delhomme that reminds me of Danny Ainge or Bill Laimbeer. When things aren't going well, he's constantly hanging his head or whining to the officials. Even with success, after he threw that 85-yard touchdown pass, he had to turn around, smile like an idiot, and scream at a Patriot(ism) who had bumped into him, impeding his path to the end zone for celebration.
Pleasingly then, Delhomme looks almost exactly like Jim Carrey's character in Dumb and Dumber. Decide for yourself (sorry you have to cut and paste the links, but it's worth it):
Delhomme: http://www.dailydemocrat.com/content/articles/2003/08/30/sports/sports5.jpg
Carrey: http://www.jimcarreyonline.com/pics/dumb/pics/dumb07.jpg
Headline bonanza
Wow. Girlfriend to Riding the Pine SD sends this link emanating from the UK (ally to Riding the Pine), which is bursting with bizarre headlines:
http://www.ananova.com/news/index.html?keywords=Quirkies&menu=news.quirkies
My three favorties at first glance: "Elderly motorist forgot wife at service station," "Woman slept with dead husband for two years" (yikes), and "Elvis impersonation record falls again." Again?! You turn around for two minutes...
The story reports: "A German has usurped a fellow countryman to be crowned champion Elvis impersonator after singing Elvis tracks non-stop for more than 42 hours."
This raises a question: Does one person have to sit through those 42 hours in order to confirm the record? And a cousin to that question: What does THAT person get for his/her time?
Stop the presses: Janet not sexy
In the middle of what otherwise appears to be a straightforward mockery of CBS' denials about its raunchy Super Bowl halftime show, the New York Times gives us this nugget: "Even trussed as she was in a shiny 'Matrix'/dominatrix outfit, Janet Jackson, 37, has never had much luck being taken seriously as a sex symbol..."
Is this true? Granted, she's associated with a family of carnival freaks, but she's not a sex symbol? Can this be confirmed? If so, I'd like it to be. I want seven New Yorker fact-checkers locked in a windowless room with only Gatorade, graham crackers and high-speed Internet access for as long as it takes to prove whether or not Janet Jackson is "taken seriously as a sex symbol." (Which phrase is bizarre enough in itself, but I've already spent too much time on this...)
Friday, January 30, 2004
Welcome back, blogger
RTP is back with a brand new invention – something to grab hold of you tightly, and flow like a harpoon daily and nightly.
If you got that reference to Vanilla Ice, please promptly hang yourself. I can’t, because I have the blog to maintain.
As alert readers will see (translated: the three readers who have previously visited this site; hi, guys), RTP has a new look. Gone is the orange border which, while striking, was increasingly being adopted by Iraqi dissidents for their blogging ventures. I wouldn’t want to get us confused, despite my well known love for dissidents. Cases of mistaken identity are only funny when they don’t end in unquestioned decapitation by Donald Rumsfeld.
So why the long layoff, the three of you ask? First there was the holiday season; then there was the task of writing passionately against the BCS without spontaneously combusting, which eventually proved impossible; finally, there was my overwhelming, legendary anomie. It’s a lot to deal with.
There was also my ambition to update the page everyday, which in its difficulty ended up discouraging me and left the whole thing in the dust. My revised, more realistic goal is to post twice a week – probably Tuesday and Thursday. Smaller posts – like AP headlines, links to photos of weird facial hair, and such – might come at any time.
It’s a new year, and I’m energized by its promise. I hope to play more low-stakes poker in 2004, and make the usual August sojourn in Saratoga, so there should be plenty of stories about the innovative, luckless ways I’ve discovered to lose wagers. Also, the baseball season looms, and with it several questions: Where will Greg Maddux land? What kind of chemistry did the Yankees buy themselves into? And will Randall Simon sign with someone, or leave the game behind to prepare for his global jihad against kielbasa?
Oh, there’s also a Super Bowl to be played. And I guess the NBA and NHL will eventually finish the voids that are their regular seasons and start scheduling games of interest. Plus, some pop culture to get to – like the Oscars, and my insanely high expectations for the new album from The Streets (due in May).
So, until Tuesday, welcome back. Spread the word.
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
Taiwanese Headline of the Day
OK, so it's not AP. But this one's too good to pass up, courtesy of friend to Riding the Pine MM:
"Sperm whale explodes in Tainan City"
The whole story's worth a look, too, as you might imagine:
http://www.etaiwannews.com/Taiwan/2004/01/27/1075168255.htm
Monday, November 24, 2003
AP Headline of the Day
A contender for Headline of the Year, in fact...
"Cops Seize 756 Pounds of Smuggled Bologna"
The brief story that follows doesn't disappoint, either, describing how the bologna was "arranged into the shape of a car seat and covered with blankets in a man's pickup."
The war on drugs might be misguided, the war on terrorism might be futile, but it seems we're finally making headway in the war on deli meats.
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
MVP -- Here We Go Again...
New year, same arguments.
I wouldn't have voted for A-Rod as the American League MVP for all the reasons others have stated, but the rest of the league certainly made it tough to find a palatable alternative. Players like David Ortiz and Shannon Stewart had stretches where they lifted a contending team, but their overall seasons don't strike me as MVP-worthy. Jorge Posada plays a key position and had a career year for a pennant winner. I would have voted for him and just considered it a weak year.
Why not A-Rod? Two reasons.
Jayson Stark makes a good point in his most recent column on ESPN.com, which is that only four of 145 MVPs have played for losing teams. Not last-place teams, like this year's Rangers, but losing teams. Like it or not, that sets a precedent for what the award means. In my mind, to overcome that, one has to do something extraordinary. I could vote for a .400 hitter on a last-place team.
The other factor is A-Rod's performance itself. Earlier this fall, I read a column that argued A-Rod was in a funk through a key period in May during which the Rangers fell way out of contention. Friend to Riding the Pine BB pointed out the redundancy of such an argument -- of course the Rangers struggled when A-Rod struggled. That proves his value. Still, A-Rod's most productive month, by a healthy margin, was August, when the Rangers were long gone. He's an incredible talent, but that simply hasn't proven to be the definition of the award over time.
AL Cy Young debate
Friend to Riding the Pine JL laments the fact that pitchers with gaudy records on winning teams often win the Cy Young over pitchers with worse won-loss records but better ERA's, etc. He cites John Smoltz over Kevin Brown in 1996 and Roy Halladay over Esteban Loaiza this year as his examples.
In both cases, the winner received 26 first-place votes to the runner-up's two first-place votes. JL wants answers.
The case of Smoltz-Brown would appear to be tougher than a 26-2 vote reflects. Brown went 17-11 with a 1.89 ERA. Smoltz went 24-8 with a 2.94 ERA. My guess is that the Braves' division title helped Smoltz, as did his 276 strikeouts (to Brown's 159, and Smoltz only pitched 21 more innings). But in the end, 24 wins is 24 wins, even with a strong supporting cast. Only one other pitcher (Randy Johnson) has won that many in the past 13 seasons. Maybe if Brown had won 20 it would've been a closer call.
As for this year, that decision makes more sense. Halladay and Loaiza had ERAs of 3.25 and 2.90, respectively, but that's not a significant discrepancy (consider that Pedro Martinez posted a 2.22). Halladay and Loaiza had opposite trajectories, and a strong finish is always viewed more favorably than a strong start. Loaiza was 11-2 with a 1.99 ERA in late June. From there on, he was average. Halladay lost or got a no-decision in his first six starts. He then won 15 decisions in a row. He also threw nine complete games to Loaiza's one. Halladay was more thoroughly dominant, and for a longer stretch of the season.
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
AP Headline of the Day
“Flynt Says He Won't Use Nude Lynch Photos”
The concept of decency squeaks through to see another day.
If you haven’t heard, smut magnate Larry Flynt allegedly possesses photographs of a nude Jessica Lynch before she went to Iraq. In this AP story, Flynt says: “My first intention was to publish them, but I don't think it was the best, positive move I could make. She's very much a pawn for the government. They force-fed us a Joan of Arc.”
I find two things about this hilarious: He makes it sound as if it was a near-miss in judgment, like now he's going to go back to his routine of doing all the "best, positive" things he can. Better than that, though, is the implication that, faced with thousands of legitimate reasons for his decision, Flynt's ax to grind with the government is really what led him to the light. I suppose D.C. is crawling with "pawnographers". (Forgive me.)
Flynt also lets loose with this doozy: "Some things are more important than money. You gotta do the right thing." All this proves is that no sentient creature is on the other side of this debate.
Flynt to Publish Photos of Steinbrenner Being Reasonable
No, not really. But the Yankees boss does sound remarkably sane in his criticism of the Rookie of the Year voting. Two writers left Hideki Matsui off their top three because they believe his previous career in Japan keeps him from reflecting the spirit of the award. Steinbrenner wrote in part of his response: “Spirit of the award? The award was renamed by the Baseball Writers’ Association to honor Jackie Robinson, its first recipient. Jackie Robinson came to the Major Leagues after playing in the Negro Leagues, a league whose high level of play is unquestioned.”
Despite the obvious differences between the Negro Leagues and Japanese baseball, that’s not bad logic, as far as it goes, and if Matsui only lost the award to Angel Berroa because writers were stubbornly obeying their own rules, that’s not right. Still, there’s an explanation for why Berroa beat out Matsui with many less vengeful voters as well. Isn’t it possible that, in creating such an impressive track record in Japan – many thought he would have to hit 40 home runs to live up to his billing, and he hit 16 – Matsui inadvertently sabotaged the possibility of impressing in his first season in America?
Manute disappointment
When I heard last month that Manute Bol was going to be a jockey for charity, I gave real thought to flying to Indianapolis to watch the event in person. Seems now that the seven-foot, seven-incher's foray into horse racing consisted of forcing some poor tailor to make otherwise useless outsized jockey silks, weighing in before a race, and then giving quotes to the press: http://www.sacbee.com/24hour/sports/horse_racing/story/1031811p-7241285c.html
I do appreciate that Manute does these crazy stunts for his charity, though. He's like an even taller, even thinner, even more enigmatic, more charitable George Plimpton. I'd like to make the following recommendations for future Bol stunts: rodeo clown, American Idol contestant, co-host of CNN's Crossfire. If you have any other suggestions, sent them to RidingPine@hotmail.com. I've set up that address for reader feedback in order to: A) generate ideas, and B) confirm that anyone is visiting this site. Manute, are you out there?
Thursday, November 06, 2003
Reports of Humility's Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated
From an AP recap of last night's Washington Wizards-Dallas Mavericks game, in which Washington guard Gilbert Arenas posted a triple-double:
"I'm an assassin with the ball," Arenas said. "I rebounded, dished the ball, scored. Like a point guard -- like a Jason Kidd or Gary Payton -- I just helped the team win."
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
Unbreakable
Mark Messier moved into second place on hockey's all-time points list last night:
http://sports.espn.go.com/nhl/news/story?id=1654326
He remains more than a thousand points behind all-time leader Wayne Gretzky. Friend to Riding the Pine BB points out that adding the total career points of Sergei Fedorov (no slouch himself) to Messier's total still leaves him short of Wayne. In other words, no one is going to catch Wayne.
Even more unbreakable
The only safer record I could think of is Cy Young's 511 wins. Forget 500 or 400 wins (impossibilities in this era), even the 300-win benchmark is likely to be extinct before long. Clemens won't be the last -- Greg Maddux only needs 11. Tom Glavine needs 49, which seems like a fair over/under for the rest of his career. Randy Johnson needs 70. Seems unlikely. After that, you fall back to Chuck Finley and David Wells, who each have 200 wins and are more likely to cure cancer than win another 100 games.
The only active pitchers younger than 34 (!) who have won more than 150 games are Pedro Martinez (166 wins) and Andy Pettitte (149, so I'm cheating by a win). They're both 31. Given Pedro's fragility and Pettitte's longer road, do you like either of them to win 300?
Thinking outside the box
Friend to Riding the Pine JF unearthed a few slightly more obscure records that might not be surpassed:
Most consecutive years an afro exceeded the width of a baseball card: 8, Gamble, Oscar.
Most times in a game a coach threatened to suck his mustache into his scowl: 35, Cowher, Bill.
Most hours spent blaming oneself for the Cubs' collapse over the winter: all [record shared between 23,986,432 Cubs fans]
Revisiting Sausagegate
The RTP faithful have been crying out for delayed comment on what is hands down, to this point, the best story of the year: Randall Simon attacking a sausage. (The resulting media storm memorably dubbed "Sausagegate" by friend to Riding the Pine JF.) If you don't remember the details, go here:
http://espn.go.com/mlb/news/2003/0709/1578808.html
I couldn't get enough of this story when it broke. There was one day when the New York Times ran no less than three items about the incident (two stories and a slide show). The whole thing was a lucky convergence of several notable strands in American culture --
1. The inability of social commentators to retain any perspective whatsoever. Most of them were calling for Simon's head. For Simon to have meant real harm, he must have thought the woman inside the costume was eight feet tall. The tops of the outfits are clearly just foam add-ons, and the swing itself was about an eighth of a swing.
2. The insanity and outsized needs of 24-hour media. During the ensuing week, the video clip was played more than the Zapruder film. (I'm not complaining, of course -- the double-take done by the third sausage while trying to figure out what just occurred was maybe the funniest single thing I've seen in nearly 30 years on Earth).
3. The great, great humor of mascots in general. SportsCenter's coverage of the incident included a lengthy montage of other significant moments in mascot history, both earnest and playful. Awesome stuff. I forgot a hockey coach went OVER THE BOARDS once to attack an opposing mascot who had been teasing him.
As if all of that isn't enough, Simon himself elevated the situation past sports and into linguistic history by putting the final nail in the coffin of comprehensive communication with this doozy:
"It's a lesson, not only for me, but for every other player in the big leagues," he said. "That's something right there that makes me feel good, because at least I know that there ain't no hate or nothing like that in the incident that happened. When you do something, when you're not trying to hurt anybody, you don't think maybe this is going to happen, that is going to happen."
Indeed.
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
Father Time
Friend to Riding the Pine JF noted that the naming of Ozzie Guillen and Don Mattingly as manager of the White Sox and hitting coach for the Yankees, respectively, made him feel old. True enough. So, JF, try this one on for size: Jesse Barfield's son, Josh, is a 20-year-old prospect in the Padres system. See here: http://www.minorleaguebaseball.com/news/?id=1493
The logical follow-up is: Have George Bell and Lloyd Moseby produced sons? If so, we might one day reincarnate the Toronto outfield of the mid-'80s.
The Usefulness of John Madden
I suggest that next year the Monday Night Football booth should consist of Al Michaels and a box of Corn Flakes. Wouldn't that be at least as great a publicity stunt as getting Dennis Miller or John Madden? And you wouldn't lose much -- Last night, in the second quarter of the Broncos-Patriots game, Michaels made the point that Denver should focus on the Pats, then next week they have a bye, then maybe they get Jake Plummer back, and the second half of their schedule is pretty soft. He then tossed things to Madden for his analysis, which consisted of repeating, almost word for word, what Michaels had just said. I'm no engineer, but I think you could rig a box of Corn Flakes to do that.
Then Madden went on to say, for the 4,347th time of the broadcast, that Danny Kanell didn't have to "win" the game for the Broncos; he just had to "not lose it."
BBC Beard of the Day
OK, so it's not AP. But it's quite a beard. Link to the story is below. (I'm having some trouble with links, so for now you'll have to cut and paste. Back to the stone age, people.)
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/3233833.stm
Friday, October 31, 2003
AP Headline of the Day
"Statement by John Edwards on House Issue"
That noise you hear is the universe yawning.
Good for the Marlins
Despite being a diehard Yankees fan, part of me is glad the Marlins won, striking a blow to theories of economic determinism. Who’s a better musician, Britney Spears or Yo-Yo Ma? But how can that be, when Britney could buy and sell Yo-Yo? (I smell a new reality series.) Likewise, who’s the better pitcher, Josh Beckett at $1.725 million, or Jose Contreras at $5.5 million?
The teams that made the playoffs this year occupied the following ranks in total payroll: 1, 3, 4, 5, 8, 15, 20, and 21. Hardly an overwhelming argument that money solves everything, and to the extent that it does (solve things), I’m OK with it. Just like I wouldn’t want teams to simply buy titles, I wouldn’t want to reward franchises that don’t invest in their on-field talent to the best of their abilities.
So for reasons of grander purpose, I’m OK with Florida winning the series, but of course a larger part of me smarts. Which is why it was satisfying to see the dazzling cover headline on this week’s Sports Illustrated: “The Marlins.” That’s the headline. I guess they nixed: “Baseball Team,” or “Team Wins Competition.” As spirited as they are, the Marlins are a bland bunch, in a non-baseball city, so let’s hope another cash-strapped team makes the statement next time around.
NBA East, or Hide the Women and Children
Delaying my thoughts on the NBA season has allowed me to avoid pitfalls like predicting the immediate ineffectiveness of LeBron James, who seems poised to make a run at MVP. Well, he would seem poised for that if the Cavs were going to win more than four games.
Speaking of Cleveland, the East can be summed up quickly, and what else is new?
The Knicks are liable to finish in the basement. As friend to Riding the Pine AB put it earlier this fall: “Could there be a more poorly constructed team in pro sports than the Knicks?? They have 11 forwards on their roster (4 of whom are undersized), no center, and 3 backup point guards.” True enough. This led me to suggest that the team rename itself the New York Eleven Forwards, and change its logo to a silhouette of eleven men of identical height.
Keith Van Horn seems like an OK guy, but leaning on him as a key component is just screaming that you'd be happy to win 40 games. New York will be lucky to win that many. Best-case scenario would require reverting to the style they perfected with Charles Oakley, of wrestling opponents to the ground and winning 42-39. Even then, I think the current Knicks would be on the 39 end of the stick more often than not.
Look at the rest of the East and try not to get queasy: Atlanta, Milwaukee, Cleveland, Chicago, Miami, Toronto – a mélange of teams that are either undersized, way too green, or Canadian. Allen Iverson and Tracy McGrady make Philadelphia and Orlando watchable, but Derrick Coleman and Andrew DeClercq make Philadelphia and Orlando also-rans.
Washington will be better without Michael Jordan. (Send that sentence in a time capsule to someone in 1995, and watch as their head explodes.) Boston will ride Paul Pierce to a decent season, but … can you hear me twiddling my thumbs until I get to the West? So let’s fast forward a bit: The Nets feel done, in a Michael-Jackson-in-1988 kind of way; with the West so stacked, they’ve got nowhere to go but down. Where would you find motivation if you had won your conference twice but knew that 10 teams on the other side of the tracks could take you in the Finals?
Indiana has been the NBA’s Frankenstein the past few seasons, never adding up to the sum of its parts, and that should continue. (Is Reggie Miller an android? He must be 70 now, but still looks 16.)
Last year’s Pistons team just feels like a fluke. I don’t see Ben Wallace and Rip Hamilton alone getting them back to the conference finals.
I like New Orleans to win the East. Baron Davis should bounce back, and if they can keep steady without Mashburn (they’re 2-0) so far, they should be that much more balanced and dangerous when he gets back. In the West, they’d be ninth, at best. In the East, champs!
Speaking of the West….
Let the Women and Children Back in the Room
If RTP ever leans mostly to concerns in Dallas and New York, that’s because RTP has spent considerable time in both places. (For third-person fun, substitute “Bo Jackson” for “RTP” in the previous sentence and imagine it coming from Bo’s mouth.)
So we start with the Mavericks, who could very well win home-court advantage through the playoffs. In a seven-game series, the Lakers and Spurs still get the benefit of the doubt, because none of the Mavericks’ 37 potential leading scorers matches up against Shaq or T-Dunk. (Duncan doesn’t seem like the type to have his name truncated like that, does he? All the more reason to do it.) But I figure Dallas’ penchant for scoring 449 points a game will allow for a bloated regular-season record. Also, watch for the first-ever triple-digit NBA betting line when the Mavs are favored by 109 over the Knicks.
As friend to Riding the Pine BB notes: “Dallas now has three capable-to-all-star point guards (Steve Nash, Travis Best, Tony Delk). And Antawn Jamison and Antoine Walker are the same player, really. And Dirk Nowitzki's a taller version of that player, and Michael Finley's a shorter version of that player.”
I think having different versions of that player is fine, as long as that player is an all-star, which he is. The one disturbing note in Dallas was pointed out by friend to Riding the Pine JF, who asked if the Mavericks were wearing tin foil in their opening-night loss to the Lakers. It did appear as such in the photos seen by RTP. But so long as no one puts the Mavericks in a microwave, they should meet with great success.
Now, having said that Dallas could win the West, let me promptly say that the Lakers could go 82-0. The Kobe Bryant spectacle allowed prognosticators to deceive themselves of the plain truth that once had everyone quaking: The Lakers feature Gary Payton, Karl Malone, Shaq, and Kobe. They’re only missing Jimmy from Hoosiers. Even without Kobe, they should be favored to win it all. Payton is of a different order than anything the current dynasty has featured at point guard, and that combined with Shaq’s presence in the paint should equal a title, Devean George or no.
It feels like the Kings’ window of opportunity has slammed on their fingers. The Spurs will have to ride Duncan – er, T-Dunk – more than ever to win another title, but that feels entirely possible.
The rest of the conference is packed with individual stories worth watching – Yao, Amare, Ray Allen (couldn’t they leave the East anything? Milwaukee gives Allen to the Sonics and then houses Payton for a blink before he bolts to L.A. It’s like the Bucks are the West’s talent launderer. At least that gives them some identity.) But it’s fantasy to imagine a team other than one of the Big Four coming out of the West. Minnesota? Phoenix? Houston? No way.
Predictions: New Orleans over Jersey in East finals. Lakers over Dallas in West. Lakers over New Orleans 3-0 in the Finals (only 3 because the Hornets will collectively skip town before Game 4).
Monday, October 27, 2003
AP Headline of the Day
"Toronto Man Is Rock-Paper-Scissors Champ"
That must have been the hottest ticket in town.
Friday, October 24, 2003
Wasn't It A Yankee (Yogi) Who Taught Us When It's Over?
Why are people already sending me condolences about the Yankees? They could easily lose this series, but the eagerness of some to revel in the Yanks' demise might come back to haunt them.
A friend of RTP recently sent an e-mail linking to a Forbes story that highlighted the discrepancy between the payrolls of the Marlins and Yankees. So what? How many consecutive years do several big-money teams (Dodgers, Mets) have to miss the playoffs while lower-budget teams go deep into the postseason (Anaheim, Florida) before people realize payroll is only one factor, and can just as easily be a detriment as a strength? (Ask the Dodgers how much they enjoyed spending $12.4 million on Darren Dreifort's services in 2003. Grossly overpaid to begin with, he was also out for the year in early June with an injury, at which point he was 4-4. That followed another 4-win season in 2002. At least he's consistent.)
As in life outside of Major League Baseball, money does not bestow wisdom or luck upon its owners, nor does it stave off the will and talent of those with thinner checkbooks (i.e., the Marlins).
Wanted: Quarterback
News from Denver that the Broncos are down to their fourth-string quarterback, and he himself is not feeling well. Any RTP readers free this weekend? Perhaps you could find it in your heart to take a snap or two.
Thursday, October 23, 2003
Thanks, Elliott
RTP will branch out on a semi-regular basis from the world of sports, so I'll join the many who have already mourned the passing of Elliott Smith -- a talented musician, and certainly one of the best lyricists of his generation. He left behind a number of great songs, all of which, one had hoped, were slightly exaggerated in their melancholy for artistic effect. Those songs would have long outlived him even had he grown to old age.
AP Headline of the Day
"Testimony Read Back to Quattrone Jurors"
Is this news? Doesn't it have the ring of a fake headline that The Onion would use to point out the horrible pedestrian nature of real life, like: "Order repeated to fast-food drive-through box."
Monday, October 20, 2003
AP Headline of the Day
"French Tobacco Vendors Fight New Taxes"
I smell a new epic subject for Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Thursday, October 16, 2003
The explanatory crutch of curses, or, Reason # 3,427 to root for the Yankees tonight
The poor Florida Marlins. They sport the best record in baseball since May 23rd, several good young pitchers, barrels of speed and fortitude, and the best catcher in the history of the game. But if they beat the Red Sox in the World Series, will anyone notice? They will have won another series in which the biggest story is the continued, dependable, bizarre failure of another franchise.
Vanquishing the Yankees would seem the only way for the Marlins to become the enduring headline of this postseason (well, other than the Pedro-Zimmer incident; for which Pedro still hasn't apologized, the class act that he is). That hardly seems fair, but that's what happens when curses are embraced as explanations. Don't get me wrong, I'm not above chanting "1918!" at my TV tonight -- for hours on end, if necessary -- and relishing it, but the Cubs didn't lose that series because of the fan who blocked Alou's path. They lost because of Gonzalez's error at shortstop in Game 6, and because of Kerry Wood's subpar performance last night, and because they scored just three runs after the third inning in Games 6 and 7 combined. Likewise, the Red Sox won't lose tonight because Babe Ruth's ghost is cranky. . . .They'll lose for fifty other reasons. Go Yanks.
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
AP Headline of the Day
"Town Hires Dog to Keep Geese From Park"
Do you really "hire" a dog to do anything? Was the dog considering other employment possibilities?
Monday, October 13, 2003
I, for one, would like to welcome our new monkey overlords.
From a story making its way around the wires today:
"Scientists in North Carolina have built a brain implant that lets monkeys control a robotic arm with their thoughts, marking the first time that mental intentions have been harnessed to move a mechanical object. The technology could someday allow people with paralyzing spinal cord injuries to operate machines or tools with their thoughts as naturally as others today do with their hands."
Um, I mean, hurrah for paralyzed people and all that, but isn't the bigger story here that MONKEYS CAN ALTER THE MATERIAL WORLD WITH THEIR THOUGHTS?! I'll start digging the underground bunker; you guys stock up on the canned goods and meet me down there...
Boston punkery
I'll christen this blog (which blog is probably a mistake of considerable proportions, but more on that later) with some baseball talk.
I marvel at the fact that despite working in midtown Manhattan and living in Brooklyn, I am surrounded by adamant Red Sox supporters. Did someone airlift Cambridge here without telling me? Or has legendarily cut-throat NY mutated into a city sympathetic to lovable losers in some post-9/11 fog of misplaced generosity? Whatever the explanation, I shudder.
The infestation of Boston fans did lead to some high-grade entertainment over the weekend, though, as otherwise sane, sensitive friends of mine leapt to the defense of heartless punks Pedro Martinez and Manny Ramirez. After Pedro's three or four gross violations of decency on Saturday, I'm left wondering what it takes to get kicked out of a baseball game -- perhaps choosing a random elderly woman from the crowd and flaying her on the pitcher's mound? Dear lord.
You don't have to wonder about centurylong curses when players choose to lose their minds -- plunking hitters with men on base and angering Roger Clemens are not sound ways to win playoff games. If you stubbornly refuse to give up the idea of a jinx, rest assured that tossing Zim to the ground should tack on another 80 years or so. Red Sox in 2084!!
