The Pine
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
AP Headline of the Day
"Robot Dogs Get Social Conscience Installed"
I can see it now: Robot Dogs Boycott Sweatshops ... Robot Dogs Protest for Right to Vote ... Robot Dogs Vote Nader, Clinching Second Term for Bush
Thursday, February 05, 2004
If You're Old Enough to Vote, You're Old Enough to Rush the Passer
In the day's best news for teenagers with thyroid problems, a judge has ruled that the NFL can’t keep former Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett from entering the league’s draft in April. Pending more lawsuits, that is. (Viva America!)
Clarett is 20, and unlike the other major sports, the NFL has a particular interest in keeping physically underdeveloped players from getting in the way of the synthetic tanks that now play the game.
I used to wish all the pro leagues would adopt mandatory age limits so that sports like college basketball could regain some of their vibrancy. But what's more corrupt and harder to romanticize than major college athletics? I don't think the ruling in Clarett's case can be cheered or booed without knowing its long-term effects, but it seems unlikely that NFL teams would draft scrawny kids just because they can. A 16-year-old can have a nasty crossover dribble, but without some seriously freaky DNA, not many teens are going to be able to budge Warren Sapp.
In the meantime, we have this disturbing aspect of the story, courtesy of the New York Times:
“ ‘While, ordinarily, the best offense is a good defense, none of these defenses hold the line,’ Judge Scheindlin wrote in a 70-page decision sprinkled with punning, football lingo.”
Groan. Judge Scheindlin will be presiding all week, people. Enjoy the veal…
http://www.nytimes.com/2004/02/05/sports/football/05CND-CLAR.html?hp
Kicked to the curb
Sucks to be a kicker, eh?
Adam Vinatieri (I hope I'm spelling that right, but don't have any way to check, since his name is so rarely used) kicks his second Super Bowl-winning field goal in three years. Incredible stuff. And I’m sure he understands, like we all do, that Tom Brady is the MVP again for his lion’s share of the work in victory. That’s fine. Still, Adam’s got to smart just a bit to see Brady galloping across the cover of this week’s Sports Illustrated, above the words: “The Hero (Again).”
Well, that’s OK, because surely the story inside will balance things a bit, yes? Give a nod to the man who under extraordinary pressure came through (“again”)? Not really. The story inside gets to paragraph six (and they’re decent-sized paragraphs) before even mentioning Vinatieri. And even then -– a full sentence after the first Janet Jackson joke! –- the reference is only made to point out how Brady was the real star of the game.
This is what one gets for winning two Super Bowls in three years. Can you think of a more thankless job than kicker? If so, e-mail it to RidingPine@hotmail.com, a special account set up for my four readers, who also have my regular e-mail account.
AP Headline of the Day
Actually dealing with sports this time:
"Nets Sign Hubert Davis to 10 - Day Contract"
Now, I'm a loyal Tarheel fan, and I love Hubert, but isn't even 10 days a lot? It strikes me as a kind of dog-year calculation; the equivalent of signing Gary Payton to a 350-year contract.
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
Quality control update
What follows is the first of the Tuesday/Thursday updates, and it's being posted hastily to satisfy RTP's rabid fan base. (One hundred restraining orders and counting...) So please forgive any leniency given to the writer (me) by the editor (me) while I get my legs back.
AP Headline of the Day (Monday)
"Groundhog Booed As He Sees His Shadow"
Not surprising, since this was in Pennsylvania, and presumably some Eagles fans were in attendance.
Abstraction wins Super Bowl
Friend to Riding the Pine JS was rooting against the Patriots this past Sunday because she doesn't like teams named for abstractions. But while patriotism is something of an abstraction, I believe Patriots are less so. They are, at least, plural, unlike the NBA's Heat, Jazz, and Magic (now that's an abstraction). Perhaps two Super Bowl victories in three years should prompt a name change: The New England Patriotism.
Delhomme, though, is all too real
I have to admit that when Jake Delhomme started Sunday 1-for-9 with 1 passing yard (how about the Carolina Passing Yard as a team name?), I was rooting for an all-time horrible performance. He shut me up, though, finishing very strongly against the league's best defense.
I still don't like him. Friend to Riding the Pine JF is sick of hearing it, but there's something immensely bratty about Delhomme that reminds me of Danny Ainge or Bill Laimbeer. When things aren't going well, he's constantly hanging his head or whining to the officials. Even with success, after he threw that 85-yard touchdown pass, he had to turn around, smile like an idiot, and scream at a Patriot(ism) who had bumped into him, impeding his path to the end zone for celebration.
Pleasingly then, Delhomme looks almost exactly like Jim Carrey's character in Dumb and Dumber. Decide for yourself (sorry you have to cut and paste the links, but it's worth it):
Delhomme: http://www.dailydemocrat.com/content/articles/2003/08/30/sports/sports5.jpg
Carrey: http://www.jimcarreyonline.com/pics/dumb/pics/dumb07.jpg
Headline bonanza
Wow. Girlfriend to Riding the Pine SD sends this link emanating from the UK (ally to Riding the Pine), which is bursting with bizarre headlines:
http://www.ananova.com/news/index.html?keywords=Quirkies&menu=news.quirkies
My three favorties at first glance: "Elderly motorist forgot wife at service station," "Woman slept with dead husband for two years" (yikes), and "Elvis impersonation record falls again." Again?! You turn around for two minutes...
The story reports: "A German has usurped a fellow countryman to be crowned champion Elvis impersonator after singing Elvis tracks non-stop for more than 42 hours."
This raises a question: Does one person have to sit through those 42 hours in order to confirm the record? And a cousin to that question: What does THAT person get for his/her time?
Stop the presses: Janet not sexy
In the middle of what otherwise appears to be a straightforward mockery of CBS' denials about its raunchy Super Bowl halftime show, the New York Times gives us this nugget: "Even trussed as she was in a shiny 'Matrix'/dominatrix outfit, Janet Jackson, 37, has never had much luck being taken seriously as a sex symbol..."
Is this true? Granted, she's associated with a family of carnival freaks, but she's not a sex symbol? Can this be confirmed? If so, I'd like it to be. I want seven New Yorker fact-checkers locked in a windowless room with only Gatorade, graham crackers and high-speed Internet access for as long as it takes to prove whether or not Janet Jackson is "taken seriously as a sex symbol." (Which phrase is bizarre enough in itself, but I've already spent too much time on this...)
